The day I had a crush on John Bercow

The law of attraction is strange, one minute you’re foaming from the mouth- staring at a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio, the next minute you’re weak at the knees as John Bercow shouts “order.”

Yes, it’s unequivocally true.

I will never forget that day, I was watching the Parliament Channel, digesting my latest political injection of Brexit when all of a sudden, thought out of nowhere flashed across my mind like a burning ray of shame.

For in that piercing, unforgettable moment, I was looking at the speaker of the House of Commons in a way I had never looked at him previously. Wondering to myself why I had never noticed this prime specimen of manhood before.

I quickly got the thought out of my head, metaphorically slapped myself, and swiftly turned the channel over.

‘No this can’t be, surely this is a phase’, I thought to myself as I rolled around in my bed later that night trying to understand what was happening to me.

It was the following day, I was walking down the street, when a gorgeous man, with a crisp suit and piercing green eyes, was walking close beside me. I did my usual, slow turn of the head, to have a cheeky wee glance. At the same time I turned my head, the man turned his. I quickly looked away, embarrassed and began to walk a little bit faster to put some, we will just pretend that didn’t happen distance between us.

As I got in the house, I sat on the couch and reflected on the gorgeous man I had just encountered. ‘Yeah, you’re fine Michelle, you’re good, you’ve got this girl’, I thought to myself, realising I was still attracted to my usual kind of man and my taste hasn’t changed.

I needed to be sure, but, I approached the remote with trepidation, switched on the Parliament channel and took a breath in. ‘This is the moment Michelle.’ Was it just a fleeting thought? Or has my taste in men taken a drastic change into unfamiliar territory? This is it.

I looked at John Bercow and waited to see if any unwanted desire would arise within me. ‘Nope, nothing yet.’ I waited some more, and nothing, absolutely nothing.

‘Great, fantastic, you’re absolutely grand Michelle, It was just a strange thought you were having, that was absolutely out of your control, nothing to worry about.’

I was elated, I knew it, I was the same Michelle I had always been, nothing had changed. Mental images of me rolling around the grass with Leonardo DiCaprio will continue to adorn my imagination once more.

It was a fleeting thought of madness. We have all had them.