Have you ever been through a breakup where it is as if the other person is so unfazed? No matter how hard you try to move on you keep checking up on your phone, wondering if they will text to sort things?
Unfortunately, the sad reality is that most couples will fall out and 50% of those do not get back together. Of course, if there was a valid reason for the breakup, for example someone was cheating, or you were in a toxic or manipulative relationship then it is probably best to stay apart.
But how can you make someone want you back after calling it quits over stupid things? Maybe your partner labelled you as “needy” or too “full on” or maybe there just was not a spark anymore. Let me share to you what helped me.
Sherry Argov who is New York Times bestselling author, published a book back in 2010 called “Why men love bitches” “From Doormat to Dream girl”. Of course, by the title it might not seem like something to help you through a breakup, but I tell you the book makes you feel as though you have more power than any man during a breakup or a relationship.
Argov gives two characters, the “nice girl” and the “bitch”. For example, the nice girl might cancel her plans to see the man she is dating or in a relationship with, she will really go out her way. If he phones, she grabs her phone and answers straight away, she is almost a people pleaser towards the man she is seeing, if he asks her what she wants to eat she will reply with “whatever” in order to make him happy.
However, the “bitch” has her own life, she will not cancel her plans to see anyone she has her own things to do and her own interests. If he calls and she is busy, even if it is just to paint her toenails she will not answer until she is ready. If he asks her what she wants to eat she is not shy to tell him.
When I came across this book, I was frustrated I had not come across it before, I felt as though I have been playing it safe for so long.
What it taught me is that you should always continue to have your routine for you and not to alter your life for another man. Say every Tuesday you went to the gym and every Friday you went out with the girls, if you stopped doing that to see your significant other, you are suddenly not as interesting and you are showing that you would drop everything and anything to see them.
Could you imagine what a turn off it be if your partner were always cancelling his plans to see you? Just now you might not agree but if you were always spending your free time with your partner, of course things will fizzle out and get boring.
I also began to see things from a male perspective, I spoke to guy friends I had, family members that I have and quickly noticed common likes and dislikes. For example, say your partner goes out with his mates at the weekend and forgets to text you for a few hours, your angry you message in a state of worry or rage “why haven’t you text me all night?” Firstly, texting your girlfriend should not be a chore it is something you should want to do. The last thing a man wants to do on a night out is sit on their phone texting their girlfriend all night.
If you find it genuinely hard when your partner is out, do your own thing read a book, see your friends show that you also have a life and do not depends on a man.
If trust is the issue between the relationship, what I learned through it is that there is no point blowing up his phone all night or turning up to the party to see if he is interacting with other females or snooping through his phone as your probably not prepared for what you could find. If someone is going to cheat or flirt with females it is out of your control and you probably should call it quits if there is no trust in the relationship. Stress and overthinking will not do anything but make you ill. Especially because only 16% of couples that had experienced cheating were able to make it work out.
If your relationship ended and your significant other had no valid reason to leave, there may be some ways to help “win them back” as it were and even move on. Your friends might tell you to go get drunk or find another guy, but would you really call that moving on?
This is what works for me, one of the first things I usually do when a relationship or talking stage fails is no contact. It does not matter how much I wanted to speak to them or be with them for me to feel better mentally I had to stop myself from seeing what they were up to or having the option to message- and probably make a fool of myself.
If the relationship really hurt me, I would delete social media until I was ready, for most young people this sounds like hell but after the first few days without it its almost more peaceful without getting rapid text messages and seeing over edited Instagram photos of those you compare yourself to.
Id then works on me during this time, this was the most vital part I feel. I would start taking care of myself and I am not just meaning looks wise I am meaning mentally as well. As you can already see I enjoy reading books. However, if you asked me to read a book back in December id look at you in laugh, it turned out I was not reading things I was interested in I found books about self-help such as Vex Kings Good Vibes Good Life, I educated myself more and more.
Id gets back into things I used to like such as going out walks, which by the way is an extreme boost to your mental health. On walking for health website, it states walking improves your self-esteem, mood, sleep quality reduces stress and anxiety. Physically active people have also had a 30% reduced risk of being depressed.
I even started to do new things, I got a personal trainer to help me become more fit and improve my figure. This was real motivation as I absolutely hated exercise before, but I wanted to change. I started going to sun beds instead of doing layers of fake tan every weekend. These small changes had a massive impact on how good I started to feel about myself.
In most cases if you glow up so much your ex will probably come back wondering why you are not caring and what you are up to. You will be surprised with how many people you attract when you are getting your own life together. It is not that you do not care it is that you are putting yourself first and taking care of you than begging for a relationship.
If they do not come back then your answers right in front of you, it was never meant to be which is probably not what you want to hear but after you start to take care of yourself most times you realise it was a blessing in disguise. I took breakups as an absolute tragedy when I was younger but now, I see its time to be alone with yourself and your feelings and utterly understand who you are as a person.
Personally, there has been times where I realised, I was glad a relationship came to an end and did not want them back, but most people do come back, but by then your usually over it.
Where I am now physically and mentally is the best, I have been in a long time. I am much more independent I do not rely on anyone for anything, every week I make two big goals and every day I make two small goals. Lots have people have told me that I am glowing.
But it was never easy, it can and will be time consuming it is all utterly worth it in the end.
When I decided to make changes, it was for me, no one else as I was going through a hard time mentally from my home getting broken into, a family member hospitalized, losing my grandmother and going through a breakup, on top of that I had to learn to live alone, how to cook, clean it was only necessary I made positive life choices for a quite different chapter in my life.
Relationships are not what your life is about, if your relationship before you broke up was always one sided and you felt as though it was all about your partner why would you want that? What I have learned is you are the main character in your life people come and leave your life but you are with you from the beginning so that is who you should put your time and effort into most.