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To be perfectly honest I didn’t know what I was letting myself into. I’ll admit I was very naïve at the beginning, too focused on the idea of being in love. I was so caught up in the exhilaration of being in a relationship that I started to lose myself in the process.
Everything was new and exciting at the start. There was some awkwardness but I figured that was only natural so early on. It was clear that we were quite different from each other but that’s what I thought worked for us. He was far more outgoing and confident, than I am. He was cute at the start. We would spend all night talking to each other about really deep issues, fears, our favourite things, what we love/hate, literally anything that came to mind. I would instantly light up whenever I saw him. He made me smile even when he wasn’t there. Things were comfortable with him (from my perspective at least). I didn’t think I would be this happy with someone so early on in a relationship. I completely fell for him.
As time went on, we both realised that things were moving too fast. I had met his family only a week or two in to the relationship and he met mine eventually. We were seeing too much of each other at first and it didn’t help that we only lived a street apart.
But, after a few months, things started to fall apart.
The excitement was gone and in its place was anxiety.
It just didn’t feel the same way anymore. It was like he had given up completely. Everything just felt forced. I knew there was tension between us but I thought that after time, it would pass as I thought that everyone always goes through a sort of awkward phase in their relationship, don’t they? My family and I were planning to go to Germany for a long weekend and I figured this was coming at a good time, so that I could relax and take my mind off my troubles.
I had been looking forward to this holiday for almost a year yet, in a matter of minutes, it turned out to be one of the worst I had ever experienced.
Once my family and I arrived at our accommodation, I received a message from the guy. He said that he had cheated on me. I felt numb. My head couldn’t seem to process the information. I had to read it over and over again several times before it sunk in. I couldn’t even let myself cry and still haven’t properly cried to this day, but even so, my family still noticed a complete change in my behaviour. I didn’t say much, in fear of bursting into tears and then being asked all sorts of questions that I was in no state to answer.
It was fair to say that it was a holiday from hell. He had completely ruined it for me, yet I still thought I was able to forgive him. It turned out that all he wanted was to cut me off entirely. He was the one who deleted the pictures of us off social media first.
As soon as I saw this, it felt sick to the point where you can feel a severe pain in your chest that stops your breathing for a few minutes. It was unbearable.
It wasn’t the breakup that hurt me the most, it was the post trauma afterwards. Waking up to check my phone for messages that aren’t there anymore. My only option was to start my life over, but I had no idea where to begin. To make things worse, I still clung on to past memories, making it even harder to move on. What was worse was seeing all his posts on social media, having a great time. It was like he had moved on with ease, as if I meant nothing to him.
Eventually I decided that I’d had enough. I realised that no amount of alcohol can make me feel better and talking to close friends about it only helped to some extent and in the end I just ended up back at square one again. But in the end what I recognized was that, the only thing that was going to make me happy was letting go. I got a wakeup call, had my heart broken and lost the person I thought would be in my life for a long time but I pulled myself up and got my sh*t together. Yes, it still might be hard at times but I feel proud of myself for where I am now.
