How many ways can you leave something behind? – Heartfelt monologue of student trying to find her best solution

It’s gone dark again, this red sky.  My wrists are heavy.  Rainwater has mixed with colours and at some point transferred to the walls.  They are telling their story with twisted faces, inhaling Nag Champa and the life of glow in the dark stars.  I can hear bird song.  I have a soundtrack.  I have not slept in two days.  The birds have done it for me and this is their switching signal.  Do you know what I wanted?  I am standing in wildfires.  I don’t know, I don’t remember.

This is only a small dip, I won’t plummet.

Words are f****** unnecessary.  It’s five in the morning and you are still crying out.  When was the last time we held a conversation?  I can feel your shadow over mine.  Where are you?  You have wandered off into the warmth. There is an alarm going off to remind me that I must remain.  Here.  Awake.  Living.

I will go swimming later, I have a one-way train ticket.  Use in four hours.  Five hours and the waves will take me away.  How many cans of cidre can I get through and remain standing until then, how many, how many, how many?  I will go against the clock face and I will root elsewhere.  I will fill my stomach with this until it empties.  Soundtrack switches.  Soundtrack starts.  Soundtrack replays.  I can make it to 60 hours.  I can last longer.

I can’t find my shoes.

I am looking at a computer screen through a haze of rainbows and my brain is working hard to tell me that perhaps the sun is rising.   There is paint on my hands and the mirror shows that I have coloured my face in waking tones.  Do you know what you have lost?

You have stopped shouting and resolved to sitting in dark corners, sending your mind into dreams.    I watch them play behind your eyelids through one more hour.  You always did talk in your sleep.  Just another person trying to convince me that you are convinced.  I am afraid I cannot make this clearer.  I have torn the words from my lips, cupped in hand and spread through air.  They lie, stagnant, at your curling toes.  Intentions, pure.

It is time for me to leave—

You.

Emma Arthurs

A student at Glasgow Clyde College, Emma is shifting her interests from Creative Writing to the field of Journalism. Deputy editor of the Clyde Insider newspaper and the head of digital for The Clyde Insider Online, Emma hopes to achieve her HND and then return to the world of work with a strong portfolio and in-depth knowledge of the field. Formerly a Copywriter and Content Writer for a start up web design company, Emma is looking to bring her experiences into her studies as she expands upon her knowledge and abilities and begins to take a more particular path as an Entertainment Writer, working with reviews, interviews and opinion pieces. She hopes to maintain her interest in creative outlets such as poetry and monologues, posting regularly to her blog.

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